FMP. Second & Third script outline

Recently I’ve finished writing up and redrafting the 2nd & 3rd outlines of my script, with the idea growing and changing each time. I have now moved away from the idea of a man trapped in a house and wanting to visit the sea, instead I sat down and made a chart of ideas, beginning with ‘Jason’ in the house and then reasoning why he is there. The eventual idea I came up with is that he receives an urn containing the ashes of his dead brother Richard.

The new draft still contains elements of the older ones, such as the main characters Claire & Jason, and other elements including the funeral & the house as a primary location, however I’ve now changed bits to be more interesting such as a plot device of an urn (also taking the place of a silent 3rd character) instead of receiving a DVD or a letter. The urn this way can also be used for Jason to extrapolate his emotions and talk to, pushing the ‘black comedy’ more by literally having one character talking to a prop.

How this will work depends very much on the lines and the actor delivering them, as it could turn out really good or fall flat, however I feel a new plot device in the urn allows the script more room to expand and the two main characters a lot of room to turn and evolve in the script, fleshing out the film more from around 3 minutes to 10 & beyond.

These are my initial draft notes when rewriting the idea, i’ve also included brief lines of dialogue I thought might work, some various setting ideas and camera directions to emphasise and build on the the actions written down.

The treatment above is a lot more fleshed out now, however I still haven’t included the main details in it from the draft notes above as I want to find a coherent way of mashing the two ideas together, utilising aspects of both and creating a better script idea overall. I feel elements of the treatment aren’t working as well at the moment so they may be dropped, such as the penultimate funeral scene or the listing of copious relatives, this is a lot of extra unnecessary detail and will cost a lot more money that the budget probably doesn’t have.

I sent my script to Clifton for feedback and he emailed back with some suggested changes and ideas, a lot of them have been incorporated above such as cutting excess roles and making the narrative a lot simpler

Screen shot 2014-01-09 at 14.45.42

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